Respond to these rapid questions in our Fantasy Island Quiz and we will tell you which Fantasy Island character you are. Play it now.
While most people’s first thoughts about Valentine’s Day are of straight love stories and romantic comedies, the event has historically been a popular time for horror films to be released. For example, the 1931 version of “Dracula” opened on Valentine’s Day and was initially marketed as a strange romance. Decades later, “The Silence of the Lambs” was released in theaters on the same day. There have even been horror films made particularly for Valentine’s Day, like as the underappreciated 1981 Canucksploitation classic “My Bloody Valentine,” its not-without-justification 2009 3D remake, and the lackluster 2001 Denise Richards vehicle “Valentine.”
As a result, I suppose it’s only natural for a horror film like “Fantasy Island” to debut on Valentine’s Day in the hopes of generating a few cash off of bored couples. They’d be far better off sitting at home with a pan of macaroni and cheese than watching this insipid flop, which is demonstrably worse than any of the films listed above and features less primal dread in its whole than “Sonic the Hedgehog” during any five minutes of its runtime. Also, you must try to play this Fantasy Island quiz.
Fantasy Island Quiz
“Wait,” some of you might be thinking, “are we still talking about the same ‘Fantasy Island’?” Yes, we are. For those who may have forgotten about it or never heard of it, “Fantasy Island” was a television show that aired from 1977 to 1984 and starred Ricardo Montalban as Mr. Roarke, the head of a mysterious island resort who, with the help of aide-de-camp Tattoo (Herve Villechaize), would greet a new crop of guest stars each week—ranging from newcomers to aging stars in between gigs on “The Love Boat”—and somehow It was almost inevitable that “Fantasy Island” would follow suit, given that nearly every television show with a known name has been turned into a feature film franchise. However, in one of the most perplexing developments in recent Hollywood history, the project’s rights were acquired by Blumhouse, the production firm behind such horror films as the “Purge” and “Paranormal Activity” series, among others. Also, you will find out which character are you in this Fantasy Island quiz.
For those who have seen the show before, the setup will be rather familiar. A plane arrives at a mysterious island resort run by Mr. Roarke (Michael Pena), who tells his guests, all of whom appear to have won a contest, that they will be able to have their greatest fantasy come true with only two conditions: each guest will be given only one fantasy and must see it through to its “natural conclusion.” JD (Ryan Hansen) and his brother Brax (Jimmy O. Yang) are obnoxious alpha males who desire a chance to live the high life, which is depicted here as what may have happened if the Fyre Festival had gone off as planned. Patrick (Austin Stowell), a former cop, wishes to pursue his goal of becoming a soldier. Gwen (Maggie Q) wishes she could go back in time and undo the moment when she turned down her boyfriend’s marriage proposal because she felt she didn’t deserve happiness. Melanie’s (Lucy Hale) fantasy is a little more straightforward: she wants to exact revenge on a bully (Portia Doubleday) who tormented her throughout her youth. To say the least, these situations do not go as planned, and it quickly becomes clear that the island hides a slew of dangerous secrets, not to mention Michael Rooker in what can only be characterized as “the Michael Rooker role.”
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To be honest, the concept of making a “Fantasy Island” film that delves deeper into the show’s premise isn’t all that horrible. The issue is that the horror elements—which include zombie-like monsters, a torture scenario, and multiple eyeballs disintegrating into black goo (but never to the point of jeopardizing the PG-13 rating)—have not been well integrated into the mix. To be honest, it feels as if the project began as a more basic screen adaptation, and the writers became so frustrated with their own one-note characters that they decided to try to kill them off in a variety of strange ways. Even by the standards of what one might reasonably expect from a “Fantasy Island” film, director/co-writer Jeff Wadlow (who previously directed “Truth or Dare,” another Blumhouse film with Lucy Hale involving a vacation that goes violently sideways) seems convinced that if he just keeps throwing inanities into the mix (yes, there is a big twist, and yes, it is an exceptionally dopey one), no one will notice how utterly baff
Yes, “Fantasy Island” is a poor film—this will certainly come as little surprise to most people—but it also appears to have been made with no one in mind. The way it lurches into more purportedly horrible places will turn off anyone who would have wanted to witness a straight-up adaptation of the show. The pedestrian scares and plagiarization from previous horror films may irritate anyone in the mood for a good scare. Fans of Michael Pena, Maggie Q, and Lucy Hale (who is therefore urged to let any future calls from Wadlow go straight to voicemail) will be outraged by how utterly they are squandered here. I’m not a “Idea Island” fan by any means—I’ve only seen two episodes in my life, both of which had Michelle Phillips as a guest star, oddly enough—but even it deserved more than this brainless abomination that’s no reasonable person’s fantasy of a half-decent film.
For more personality quizzes check this: Parasite Quiz.
