Respond to these rapid questions in our Jupiter Ascending quiz and we will tell you which Jupiter Ascending character you are. Play it now.
Sincerity with a poker face is difficult to pull off in this age of cynicism. The degree of difficulty continues to increase as it is coupled with innovative filmmaking techniques and visual bombast. At this point, you are inclined to give films points for attempting the nearly impossible, which is why the degree of difficulty continues to increase. Since the first “Matrix” film was released on screens 16 years ago, and updated the “Star Wars”-styled space fantasy for the age of virtual reality, the sibling filmmaking team of Lana and Andy Wachowski have been voluntarily trapped in the entertainment netherworld known as “The Matrix,” which has been referred to as “the Matrix universe.”
The Wachowski siblings’ “Matrix” sequels, “Speed Racer,” and “Cloud Atlas” have each garnered their fair share of supporters, as they should. You’ll find passages that don’t work for one reason or another, but you’ll also find passages that are beautiful, simple, and grand in their own goofy way. And there is something about the Wachowskis’ willingness to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on popcorn fantasies that are proudly, and at times mystifyingly, personal that is admirable in an odd sort of way. However, even if you adore the concept of the Wachowskis, there comes a time when it would be foolish to deny the disappointing reality. This is the case even if you adore the idea of the Wachowskis. That time has come, and the title of the movie that chronicles it is “Jupiter Ascending.”
Another “Matrix”-style messiah figure, this one female, battles a “King Lear”-style family of squabbling villainous siblings in order to gain control of the solar system. This time, the “Matrix”-style messiah figure is the antagonist. The villains, who are the remaining members of the Abrasax dynasty, are continually attempting to coerce Jupiter into signing some sort of intergalactic property deed and harvesting her eggs. This is so that they can continue draining energy from the bodies of humans who are being held captive or something. (I have no idea what was at stake in this movie, what the bad guys wanted, or what the good guys were trying to do; I’m sure it’s possible to figure it out; however, I’d rather do something more pleasurable, such as untangle wadded-up strands of Christmas tree lights.) Meanwhile, Jupiter’s hulking half-man, half-werewolf warrior-protector flies through widescreen panoramas on jet-propelled boots, rescuing her over and over again while battling winged demons and sickly humanoid “Keepers.” Explosions rumble and flash, and a symphonic brass section topped by a quasi-mystical choir shrieks in your ears as spaceships crash through asteroid belts and skyscra
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In the event that you read the previous sentence and thought to yourself, “Wow, that sounds really cool,” you can rest assured that it is not. The Wachowski sisters have made their living off of producing outlandishly imaginative works of fiction ever since the late 1990s, but “Jupiter” is severely lacking in this regard. Jupiter Jones, a Russian-American cleaning lady, is played by Mila Kunis, and Channing Tatum plays Jupiter’s jet-skating bodyguard and want tobe-boyfriend, who is literally a puppy dog cousin of The Terminator (part lycanthrope, he claims), and just as literally a fallen angel (he has scars where wings used to be). The civil-warring siblings initially appear to be intriguingly campy or ridiculous; the way that Balem (Eddie Redmayne), Kalique (Tuppence Middleton), and Titus (Douglas Booth) purr every bitchy line is almost as if they were using kitty-cat claws to swipe the air. However, they are ultimately overshadowed by the film’s tediously familiar visuals, sound effects, and music (the composer Michael Giacchino appears to be recycling cues from the “Star Trek” movies, which weren’t particularly memorable to begin with). Kunis, who admittedly doesn’t have much to work with here (compared to Jupiter, Neo from “The Matrix” is a psychologically complex character), yet still seems disconnected from the wild emoting around her, is just as unimpressive as Jupiter.
Jupiter Ascending Quiz
Despite the fact that Caine Wise isn’t much more than a stick figure like the rest of the characters, you find yourself caring about him because of the emotional transparency displayed by Tatum. The best righteous manly-man tears in the history of cinema are cried by Tatum. It takes a special kind of American hunk to be able to sell Boy Scout decency without coming off as a con artist, and he is that man. But just like the other lead actors, he is unable to overcome the pre-fabricated cinematic world that the movie presents. An excessive amount of the action sequences, creatures, cityscapes, and starships will make you wish you were watching “Guardians of the Galaxy” or “The Fifth Element” instead, even if you didn’t enjoy either of those movies.
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At the very least, Redmayne’s mannered performance plants a freak flag in the swollen purple heart of the movie. There are moments during his performance that seem to be modeled on how Redmayne imagines Glenn Close might look and sound if she lived to be 100 years old. He is shaking uncontrollably and flaring his nostrils. He squeaks out the other ten percent of his lines while whispering the other ninety percent. Never once does he blink when you anticipate that he will, nor does he do so for as long. Did Redmayne come to the conclusion that it was necessary to ruin the movie in order to keep it from being ruined? If this is the case, you should give the man a “A” for anarchy.
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“Jupiter Ascending” is an example of a particularly depressing type of bad blockbuster film: one that was made by artists who, unless you had seen their other films, you might not know were artists. The adage “so bad it’s good” does not apply here; if it did, it would at least guarantee a certain level of knuckleheaded obsession. It is not bad in the sense that one should shoot for the moon and land among the stars, nor is it bad in any other subcategory of bad for which one could make an argument. It is boring, uninteresting, and oftentimes listless; it ticks all of the boxes for a blockbuster; it reads like it was written by someone fresh out of film school looking for a tentpole screenplay. That is the very last thing I would have expected from the filmmakers behind “Speed Racer,” a movie whose neon-and-steel-and-peyote aesthetic went beyond incoherence and attained psychedelic poetry, and “Cloud Atlas,” a fable about reincarnation, the indestructibility of true love, and the Brotherhood of Man that wanted to be a modern “Intolerance” and got startlingly close to being one at times.
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It’s possible that the version that was supposed to be released in theaters during the summer of 2016 has characters with more nuances, a plot that’s easier to follow, and an overall surer touch. Regardless, the two-hour version that was shown in theaters this past weekend is striking mainly because large portions of it feel as though they could have been written and directed by anyone with a lot of money to throw around and a decade’s worth of cliched action-fantasies to ape rather than re-imagine. This is the main reason why this version is striking.
To clarify, the problem with the movie is not that it does not have enough passion or sincerity. It’s a defiantly corny silent movie with sound, in which Jupiter keeps falling and falling and falling, and Caine keeps soaring in, Superman-style, to scoop her up in his arms. This movie is a complete and utter train wreck. The issue is that the movie is unable to come up with a fresh way to express itself or even one that is remotely distinctive. “Jupiter Ascending” looks, sounds, and moves too much like every other sci-fi or fantasy adventure you’ve seen in the aftermath of the “Matrix,” “Lord of the Rings,” and “Hobbit” trilogies and the “Star Wars” prequels, despite all of the film’s noise and color. Jupiter Ascending is a disappointment.
Before we all pass out from boredom, it is time to start the special effects blockbuster all over again. It appears that each of the monsters, vehicles, and gladiatorial do-gooders duking it out amidst the overstuffed, busily photographed CGI landscapes were all created using the same ten or eleven software programs. Even the most lavish films have a feeling of being off the shelf, and “Jupiter Ascending” is no exception to this rule. The feeling of having “been there, done that” tends to dull the senses rather than excite them. This is the first time that it appears that the Wachowskis are falling behind the times, both artistically and technologically, rather than riding the crest of the next wave.
For more personality quizzes check this: Selma Quiz.
