Respond to these rapid questions in our The Loft quiz and we will tell you which The Loft character you are. Play it now.
When preparing to write a review of the new thriller “The Loft,” I was shocked to learn that not only is it a remake of a 2008 movie that was a huge hit in its home country of Belgium, but it was also remade in the Netherlands in 2010. In fact, the film’s director, Erik van Looy, not only directed the original but also worked on the Dutch version. The fact that this narrative has been adapted into three different films in such a short period of time does not surprise me; after all, the beloved classic “The Maltese Falcon” was that story’s third cinematic adaptation in less than ten years. No, what surprises me is that I had assumed that by this third attempt at this specific story, all of the implausibilities and stupidities would have been smoothed out. Unfortunately, this long-delayed sexual thriller fails to live up to its lofty promises and disappoints spectators by falling far short of their expectations.
The story revolves around five friends who are in unhappy marriages for various reasons: smarmy architect Vincent (Karl Urban), nice guy psychiatrist Chris (James Marsden), quiet nebbish Luke (Wentworth Miller), loudmouth horndog Marty (Eric Stonestreet), and borderline psychopath/half-brother Chris’s Philip (Matthias Schoenaerts, another refugee from the Belgian original). The five of them will covertly buy a large loft apartment in a new building that Vincent has built and use it for their assignments. Vincent assumes that they all urgently want to cheat on their wives but are reluctant to do so for fear of being discovered. There are numerous reasons to immediately reject such a suggestion as being, at best, unworkable and, at worst, foolish (Who washes the sheets? What happens if two of them arrive simultaneously? What if one of them uses threats of blackmail on the others to avoid having to clean the dishes? However, none of them cross their minds as they all sign on.
Once Chris meets the seductive Anne (Rachael Taylor), the sister of a former patient who committed suicide, everything seems to be going well for a time. Even Chris, who was first hesitant, eventually participates in the fun. But all is fun and games until someone dies horribly, and Luke actually arrives one morning to find the corpse of a mysterious blonde who had her wrist slit while bound to the bed. When the others show up, it becomes clear that one of them must have been at least somehow responsible for the girl’s death because there are only five keys to the loft. We are treated to a series of in-depth flashbacks that reveal more about the guys, their increasingly twisted relationships with their women and with each other, the identity of the suicide blonde, and the circumstances that probably caused at least one of them to commit murder while they try to piece together what happened and who is hiding what.
But you shouldn’t waste any more time and start this The Loft quiz.
In other words, “The Loft” is a cross between “The Apartment,” which lacks the biting wit and compelling characters, “Reservoir Dogs,” which lacks the intense sexual tension, and a mediocre “Law & Order SVU” episode. Actually, despite what the description suggests, it is not at that intriguing. I can’t say for sure how this one stacks up to the prior two because I haven’t watched them, but either a lot was terribly lost in translation, or the Belgians and Dutch are much more tolerant of poor thrillers. The story is a confusing muddle that jumps around in time without much rhyme or reason and never comes close to being as smart and cunning as it believes it is. The language is banal, the characters are cardboard cutouts who are all uniformly disagreeable and uninteresting, and the conclusion, which tries to tie everything together while still shocking the audience, is practically comical. This is a horrible failure on the part of screenwriter Wesley Strick.
The Loft Quiz
Since there isn’t a single cinematically exciting moment to be had, van Looy, whose 2003 thriller “The Memory of a Killer” is as good as this one is terrible, seems to be on autopilot the entire time. The majority of the time, the actors are essentially coasting through the entire thing with the least amount of vigor and passion. The only exception to this is Eric Stonestreet, who overacts every scene to the point that you might find yourself involuntarily flinching every time he appears on screen because he seems so excited about the prospect of playing a character that is so dissimilar from the one he portrays on “Modern Family.” The two main actresses, Taylor and Isabel Lucas, who are refugees from the “Transfomers” franchise, are pretty much always portrayed as shrews or prostitutes, and the movie’s ultimate attitude toward them can probably be inferred from this.
Also, you will find out which character are you in this The Loft quiz.
A movie called “The Loft” appears to have been created especially to screen in deserted cinemas in the middle of January. It fails miserably as a thriller, is too clumsy and basic to pass for a mystery, has any understanding of male psychology to pass for a drama, and has so little erotic content as to solely appeal to those who view HGTV as pornographic. The best part about it is that because it is completely pointless, everyone involved can move on to, hopefully, greater things after it is swiftly forgotten.
For more personality quizzes check this: Grandma Quiz.
