Respond to these rapid questions in our Baywatch quiz and we will tell you which Baywatch character you are. Play it now.
The trailers for “Baywatch,” the feature-film comedy sendup of/homage to the cheesy lifeguarding adventure TV series, may have made you laugh if you’re anything like me. In that show, quasi-hunk David Hasselhoff and bodacious babe Pamela Anderson were tasked with recovering bodies from water and solving crimes, which was not really their area of expertise—a point that this film initially pokes fun at before becoming unfunny. But, please, don’t get ahead of yourself.
The trailers were entertaining enough that I was looking forward to seeing the film. Think about my disappointment when I was confronted with the nearly two-hour full feature, in which the trailer jokes were no longer amusing; a full feature with a storyline that an enterprising six-year-old might have thought was a little too simplistic. (Were it not for the fact that the storyline was concocted by Thomas Lennon and David Ben Garant, the hipster hacks who have in fact written a book about how to make big dollars in Hollywood by writing utter crap screenplays, it could be argued that insult had been added to injury.)
How is it possible, you might wonder, that the jokes in the trailer are funnier than those in the film? At the very least, one of the jokes from the trailer does not appear in the film. To explain the rest, consider that it’s another one of those raunchy comedies that’s barely a movie, that looks like it was edited by dumping an entire collection of footage into whatever movie-cutting software they were using and pressing “randomize” on the computer. The number of out-of-continuity shots in the first 20 minutes was so high that I couldn’t keep track of them anymore.
But you shouldn’t waste any more time and start this Baywatch quiz.
When the film opens, Dwayne Johnson’s Mitch Buchannon, the head lifeguard of Baywatch, is running around his beach, reaffirming his supremacy over the others. He will hold tryouts for positions on his team the following day, and today, a few of the newcomers will introduce themselves to you. One is Ronnie (Jon Bass), a tubby, nerdy tech guy who has a thing for CJ, a Baywatch hottie who is always running in slow motion (Kelly Rohrbach). His obsession is so intense that it causes him physical discomfort, as revealed in a long, drawn-out, unfunny “stuck junk” bit that is partially adapted from “There’s Something About Mary.” In addition to Summer, played by Alexandra Daddario, who will play the slo-mo brunette to CJ’s blonde, there are a few other candidates. The most authoritative female on the crew is played by Ilfenesh Hadera, who portrays Stephanie. The one person who headquarters insists must be included is disgraced Olympic swimmer Matt Brody (Zac Efron), who is joining the crew as a publicity stunt as well as a community service project. Mitch is not pleased with the situation. One of the few running gags that manages to put a smile on your face is his sneering at Matt (which does include the epithet “High School Musical”).
Baywatch Quiz
Following the introduction of all of the characters, we cut to the next day’s tryouts, where Ronnie and Summer demonstrate their mettle, and Matt goes head-to-head with Mitch in the finals. Following this scene, the film inserts a “are you looking at my boobs?” exchange between Summer and Matt, in which the characters are dressed in the same costumes as they were in their introductory scenes, which took place the day before. “They just didn’t care,” as they used to say on the television show “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”
Also, you will find out which character are you in this Baywatch quiz.
It’s possible that you’re still wondering how this will influence the jokes. Well, there’s one isolated scene in the trailer in which Efron’s character stands on a yacht deck, gloating, and proclaims, “Jason Bourne ain’t got nothing on me.” Unfortunately for him, a bad guy lurking behind him knocks him out before he can finish his sentence. It’s amusing in the trailer because it’s cut to hit on a specific beat, which it actually does. There’s no breathing room before Efron makes his proclamation, so the line falls flat in the movie, which uses an entirely different take on the line and shot (a tighter perspective from a low angle with a little anamorphic distortion).
About the quiz
Throughout the film, this is a theme that is repeated. In addition to long stretches of overly sincere homilies about teamwork, bizarrely gratuitous brutality (one seemingly innocuous character is subjected to a grotesquely grisly death), and an extended corpse-penis joke that, in the dishonorable tradition of “Dirty Grandpa,” subjected a character played by Zac Efron to humiliation in a way that isn’t even stealthily homophobic, the film It’s a two-hour end-credits gag reel, to be sure, but on the plus side, the film has a pervasive air of crass amiability about it. (However, it includes a gag reel at the end of the credits.) However, as previously stated, if you watched the trailer, you saw the best that the film has to offer.Also, you must try to play this Baywatch quiz.
For more personality quizzes check this: A Bad Moms Christmas Quiz.
