Respond to these rapid questions in our Nine Lives quiz and we will tell you which Nine Lives character you are. Play it now.
What kind strangers came to watch “Nine Lives” with me in the morning, even though it had been determined that the film was not deserving of an early screening for critics?
A solitary elderly woman with gray hair who appeared to be far more interested in devouring the contents of her large bag of popcorn than in what was being shown on the screen of the multiplex.
A woman in her middle years, who was accompanied by a child of about four or five years old, and who spent the entire nearly 90-minute running time staring at her cell phone the entire time.
And then there’s me, someone who is, at the very least, getting paid to sacrifice a portion of her own life in order to watch “Nine Lives,” a supposedly hilarious comedy for the whole family in which a multibillionaire real estate magnate finds himself trapped inside the body of a tomcat.
That brings us to the end. Just four people, despite having a cast that includes two Oscar winners (Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken, who must have some significant unpaid bills they need to pay off), along with a director, Barry Sonnenfeld, who continues to shred his reputation as a sharp filmmaker, which was earned after the massive success of the decades-old “Men in Black” and “Addams Family” franchises.
But you shouldn’t waste any more time and start this Nine Lives quiz.
Audiences are sometimes able to sense, much like cats, when something is not up to par. Let’s just say that I’ve been to wakes that had more people laughing than this one did.
Which one of the five screenwriters is responsible for this cataclysmic failure (I’m allowed at least one feline pun, right? thought it would be a good idea to bring back the body-switch gimmick from the 1980s and combine it with the theme of workaholic fathers being bad from the 1990s? If you don’t make an effort to re-invent clichés in some way for a new generation, they will continue to be seen as cliches.
Not to say that there isn’t an attempt at reflecting today’s headlines; Kevin Spacey plays Tom Brand, a self-centered Manhattan mogul who obsesses over the size of a tower bearing his company name rather than going to his daughter’s 11th birthday party. When it became clear that a building in Chicago might prevent him from achieving his goal of having the tallest phallic symbol in the Northern Hemisphere, he lost his cool and threw a tantrum. Let’s see. He is wealthy, boastful, egotistical, self-centered, insulting, and has a short fuse. His preoccupation is the height of his manly skyscraper. Who comes to mind when hearing that?
Nine Lives Quiz
As a means of making amends, Brand ultimately decides to purchase a cat from a peculiar pet shop run by an equally peculiar proprietor, a role that is played by Walken. On his way back to his house with the present, he decides to take a break on the highest floor of his tower, where he is struck by lightning. Since his character is now a cat takes the form of Mister Fuzzypants (not funny), while his comatose body lies in a hospital bed, this means that Spacey can pretty much dial in the rest of his part just by doing a voiceover.
Also, you will find out which character are you in this Nine Lives quiz.
I have a hunch that anyone who is enticed to watch “Nine Lives” would be hoping to be entertained by an abundance of four-legged antics to make them laugh out loud. Isn’t this the reason why there are countless examples of this kind of clip on YouTube (some of which actually begin the movie)? However, even this person who is more familiar with dogs is aware that cats typically prefer to make their own decisions, which explains why the puss in question is primarily an obvious creation of computer graphics.
It’s too bad that the human actors couldn’t have their roles played by CG stand-ins instead. No one is spared, not even Jennifer Garner as Brand’s unfortunate second wife or Cheryl Hines (“Curb Your Enthusiasm”) as his vindictive former wife. Not when Walken, the only other person besides the audience who can hear Spacey’s thoughts, threatens to “fix” Mister Fuzzypants (who is still not funny) unless he rearranges his priorities in life, which is probably the only idea that comes close to being funny. Walken is the only person who can hear Spacey’s thoughts.
Beyond the typical jokes about urinating and defecating, the show “Nine Lives” covers a wide range of subject matter that challenges the notion that it is appropriate for viewers of most ages. How delightful it is that the cat gets drunk on 50-year-old Scotch, and Hines, who takes some verbal hits for her role as the shrewish first wife, guzzles martinis at a kiddie birthday party. It is revealed that Garner had been contemplating getting a divorce while she was being forced to do the majority of her scenes with a camera-hogging cat who most likely has never even seen Garner’s own fine body-switching work in “13 Going on 30.” There has been some talk about terminating Spacey’s employment. During the most dramatic part of the film, it appears that one of the characters is going to end their own life.
About the quiz
And, oh, how the kindergarten crowd will roll their eyes at the lame sight gag involving a “Hang in There, Baby” poster that was created in the early 1970s.
Also, you must try to play this Nine Lives quiz.
Which brings me to this next question: who exactly is supposed to be the demographic that “Nine Lives” is aimed at appealing to? Nobody who likes cats, for sure, given that the old adage goes that felines couldn’t care less whether you live or die. Definitely not fans of Spacey, who did a much better coma on the most recent season of “House of Cards,” or Walken, whose signature wild mass of hair seems to be more limp than it typically is.
All of this points to one conclusion: Walt Disney was a genius for choosing to adapt “The Shaggy Dog” rather than “The Shaggy Cat” for his animated feature.
For more personality quizzes check this: Blair Witch Quiz.
