Respond to these rapid questions in our Tag quiz and we will tell you which Tag character you are. Play it now.
As I sit down to write this review, it occurs to me that perhaps I was the wrong person to be assigned to watch this film in the first place. Several years ago, I learned that Warner Brothers and New Line had collaborated on a film that would follow the exploits of a group of friends who had maintained a game of tag throughout their lives, from childhood to adulthood, over several decades. And I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever come across.”
It was still possible for me to envision how much sentimentality this would bring to the table for this endeavor. In fact, that was the only thing I got right on the first try. It’s not just that “Tag,” directed by Jeff Tomsic from a script written by Rob McKittrick and Mark Steilen after reading a feature story in the Wall Street Journal, is asinine as it is grotesque. It stars Ed Helms, Jon Hamm, Jeremy Renner, Jake Johnson, Hannibal Buress, and Isla Fisher, and it’s not just that it’s asinine. In the end, it is a sloppily produced, vulgar celebration of White Male American Dumbness—one that only includes an African American actor in the cast in order to disguise just how much of a celebration of White Male American Dumbness it is.
Anyone who knows anything about men should not be surprised to learn that the actual group of men on which this film is based is, in fact, entirely white. It’s not so much that I’m under the impression that tag is a game that most reasonable people of color would consider corny as it is that I believe it is. Consider the following scenario: an African-American group of men feels secure enough to engage in “adult” tag at their places of employment or in various other public places. Do you see what I’m getting at?
But you shouldn’t waste any more time and start this Tag quiz.
The film begins with Ed Helms’ character, Hoagie, submitting an application for a janitorial position. Despite the fact that, as his interviewer points out, he is already a successful veterinarian, he continues to struggle. Certainly, moviegoers, the con is in full swing as we learn of Hoagie’s true intentions: to infiltrate the office of a major insurance company in order to identify and tag the company’s new CEO, Bob Callahan (Hamm). What a bunch of jerks who take this game seriously.
Tag Quiz
Hoagie infiltrates a conference room where Bob is being interviewed by Rebecca, a reporter for the Wall Street Journal, while dressed as a businessman (Annabelle Wallis). In this case, the subject is diabetes and the company’s alleged questionable business practices in relation to the disease. It’s a little strange that the screenwriters would introduce a relatively serious topic here and then have all three characters simply brush it aside because it’s the month of May, when this group’s game is traditionally played, and Hoagie has devised a plan to tag Jerry, the only member of the playing fivesome who has never been tagged before. At his upcoming wedding, they’re going to apprehend him!
Also, you will find out which character are you in this Tag quiz.
With her attention captured, Wall Street Journal reporter Rebecca sets aside her questions about diabetes and declares that this 30-year-old game of tag is the REAL story. As they say several times throughout this tedious film, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old. We just stop playing because we get tired.” “We grow old because we stop playing,” says the author. I don’t care who said it, and I don’t want to hear it again. (The characters incorrectly attribute the quote to Benjamin Franklin throughout the film, and it is corrected at the end, again apparently inaccurately, because according to my Google search, it was George Bernard Shaw, not a “German anthropologist,” as Buress’ character claims, but I don’t care who said it, and I don’t want to hear it again.) However, given that one of the film’s flashbacks is a nostalgic reverie in which one character looks in on his best friend getting a handjob from a girl he himself is crushing on, the movie’s idea of innocence is… well, what’s the word?… a little… a lot of things. “Warped?”
About the quiz
To return to our plot summary, let us say this: Then it’s off to the Pacific Northwest, the land of their youth, to confront the stoic Jerry (Jeremy Renner), whose bride-to-be (Leslie Bibb) begs the crew, which includes a stoner played by Johnson, a funny person played by Burress, and a feisty wife played by Fisher, not to prank their wedding while they’re at it. Jerry’s martial arts skills, as well as his lack of inhibition when it comes to breaking into other people’s homes, give him an advantage.
Also, you must try to play this Tag quiz.
This sounds like it has the potential to be a family-friendly spinoff of “The Hangover,” but here’s the catch: it is not a family-friendly film in the traditional sense. In one scene, one character threatens to ejaculate on another character’s beloved teddy bear, and there is a set piece involving another character’s beloved teddy bear as well. Despite the fact that recovery programs are made fun of, and despite the fact that the characters’ methods of avoiding being tagged are inspired by a second-tier David Mamet, the overall effect of seeing supposedly ordinary guys resort to outright acts of sociopathy in the name of gamesmanship sends a strange message, to put it mildly.
Furthermore, it is not amusing. I believe Buress must have made a lot of suggestions on dialogue during the rehearsals because nothing else in the film is as sharp as her performance. The only laughs in the film come from Buress. Forgive me for mentioning it, but the one line where a character tells the boys that if it weren’t for their stupid game, they would all be “day-drinkers playing mini-golf with 12-year-olds” was a pretty accurate depiction of their situation. It’s likely that the same can be said for the filmmakers.
For more personality quizzes check this: Blockers Quiz.
