Respond to these rapid questions in our Underworld Blood Wars quiz and we will tell you which Underworld Blood Wars character you are. Play it now.
The dialogue in “Underworld: Blood Wars,” the fifth installment of the inexplicably long-running franchise, is filled with grunts, groans, howls, and long streams of exposition. But there is one line in particular that stands out loud, clear, and true: “There is a centuries-long war between vampires and werewolves.” During the opening narration delivered by Selene (Kate Beckinsale), the catsuit-clad vampire death-dealer at the center of the saga, it is revealed right at the start. The woman reflects, “I had lived beyond my years.” Trust me when I say that no truer words have ever been spoken about a franchise that began as nothing more than tedious hackwork and has only gotten worse with each subsequent installment. At the very least, this one has the decency to show up in multiplexes in the middle of January, making it far more convenient for audiences to avoid it entirely.
However, even though it is impossible to imagine anyone attending this film without having seen the previous installments, this one opens with several minutes of highlights, for lack of a better term, from the previous installments to bring viewers up to speed, not that it matters that they have not seen the previous installments. Because of a series of betrayals and other misdeeds, Selene now finds herself on the run from both her own vampire clan, which wants her dead, and the werewolves, known as Lycans, who want her in order to track down the location of the daughter she has hidden away, whose blood can apparently aid them in their quest to defeat the vampires for good. This is due to the fact that she is the child of a vampire and a Lycan (don’t ask why at this point), making her a “purebred hybrid.” Regardless, after witnessing their forces being severely depleted by Lycan attacks, ambitious vampire elder Semira (Lara Pulver) persuades the other members of the Vampire Council to grant Selene amnesty for her alleged crimes against her people in order to train a new group of death dealers to assist in stopping the attacks led by all-powerful Lycan leader Marius (Tobias Menzies). Surprisingly, Semira’s offer turns out to be a trap and Selene, along with hunky death dealer David (the returning Theo James), are forced to flee, this time to a remote vampire outpost in the frigid north, and then back to the council, where everyone gathers for a battle royale of semi-epic proportions—a blood war, if you will. It’s technically a computer-generated bloodbath, but that doesn’t look nearly as good on the poster.
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Underworld Blood Wars Quiz
Take it or leave it, I’m not completely immune to the allure of a movie in which a stylishly-clad woman runs around slaughtering dozens of goofy-looking monsters without breaking even a sweat or a nail—I assure you that I am looking forward to the new “Resident Evil” movie with the same kind of giddy excitement that others reserve for royal weddings and new “Star Wars” films—but “Underworld: Blood Wars” is even more of a With a ridiculously self-important approach and an ever-expanding mythology that has now become extremely confusing (in comparison to “Assassin’s Creed”), the storyline is an embarrassingly murky mess that takes something that could’ve been made into agreeably cheeseball fun and sucked all of the fun out of it. Even die-hard fans of the franchise (who, I’m sure, must exist somewhere, though I’ve never met one) are likely to be as perplexed as newcomers by what is taking place on the screen.
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The visual style of the film is just as ambiguous as the narrative; the majority of the footage is shot in dimly-lit rooms with a steel-blue and black color scheme, making much of the footage difficult to decipher for anyone who chooses to watch it in 3-D. When it comes to the fight scenes, they are standard fare, with any number of visual tricks (such as rapid-fire editing and slo-mo photography) thrown in to try to disguise the fact that they are devoid of anything resembling excitement or propulsive, kinetic action—I swear, the fight scene at the ticket window, where I was attempting to persuade the seller that I should probably get a pair of 3-D glasses since I had just paid for a
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The most perplexing aspect of “Underworld: Blood Wars” is once again Kate Beckinsale’s inexplicable presence in a franchise that hasn’t done her any favors over the course of its history. In all of these films, Beckinsale simply appears to be going through the motions with an attitude that suggests that she is well aware that she is slumming and is only willing to do the absolute bare minimum to earn her living and keep her job. It’s true that she’s always taken this approach to her films, but it’s particularly off-putting in the wake of delivering her best performance to date—indeed, one of the very best performances of the year 2016—in the wickedly funny “Love & Friendship,” which also served as a reminder to audiences of what she was capable of as an actress.
However, the only noteworthy aspect of the film is that it marks the feature directorial debut of Anna Foerster, who is a rare example of a woman being allowed to direct an appropriately large-scale franchise film. Despite this, the film is a disappointment. Unfortunately, all this demonstrates is that a female director is capable of directing a film of this nature that is just as listless, derivative, and perfunctory as one directed by a male director.
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