Respond to these rapid questions in our Fifty Shades Of Grey quiz and we will tell you which Fifty Shades Of Grey character you are. Play it now.
I am aware of the reason you are reading this. And the purpose of this foreplay is not to describe the plot. Therefore, rather than wasting any more time, let’s just jump right into the supposedly exhausting details and get this over with, shall we?
In the annals of sexually charged event cinema, “Fifty Shades of Grey” barely lights a candle, let alone combusts with unbridled forbidden passion. The movie is a complete disappointment. Nothing comes close to matching the scene from “Fatal Attraction” in which Glenn Close and Michael Douglas hump on the kitchen sink, or the scene from “The Last Tango in Paris” in which Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider make inventive use of butter. Even those ejaculating dolphin fountains in “Showgirls” were steamier than what shows up in this tempered version of E.L. James’ S&M rewrite of “Beauty and the Beast.”
Unless, of course, you were interested in finding a new use for that peacock feather that you’ve had lying around the house for a while.
Think about the scene with the deflowering. I much prefer the one that takes place in “Ida,” which is Poland’s entry for best film in a language other than English competing for an Oscar. It is a romance between a novice nun and a sexy saxophone player (is there any other kind?). than the hyped-up, glossy bedroom encounter in “Fifty Shades of Grey” between a lip-biting virgin with a 4.0 grade point average and her control-freak billionaire boyfriend.
In spite of the commendable efforts of Dakota Johnson, who thankfully has inherited much of her mother Melanie Griffith’s minx-like mystique, and Jamie Dornan, who according to my acquaintances played an incredibly attractive serial killer in the cult TV show “The Fall,” there is always the sense that every erotic moment is being choreographed by a committee. A stray hair from the pubic region here, a butt shot there, arch that back, and thrust those hips are all you need to complete the look. One, two, three, and an audible sigh.
But you shouldn’t waste any more time and start this Fifty Shades Of Grey quiz.
Would you have guessed that the director Sam Taylor-Johnson is actually a woman given that her name is Sam Taylor-Johnson? Yes, even if only for the omission that is the most revealing and perhaps the wisest. That is to say, Doran’s manhood is kept discretely hidden, much like the Ken doll that he resembles, with the exception of a single fleeting crotch-cam shot that hardly reveals anything. Nipples, which are on display such a significant amount that they probably needed their own SAG cards, are essentially the only body parts that are permitted to stand upright in this scene.
It is likely that the majority of the millions of women who bought the pop-lit phenomenon would rather fixate on the romantic fantasy of a smart lass trying to tame a broken man than fixate on the sight of male genitalia in the flesh (especially considering that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is showing on a bunch of IMAX screens). This is the thinking that likely led to this choice. Even though a gorgeous specimen like Michael Fassbender proudly flashed his shillelagh every chance he got, the highly explicit 2011 film “Shame” only managed to gross a little under $18 million worldwide. This fact should be considered before you argue that this is not the case.
There is, however, a single action that caused me to think differently about something. When Anastasia Steele, played by Dakota Johnson, straddles the lap of Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan, while he is seated on a piano bench (with all of Dornan’s mournful nocturnal ivory tickling, it’s as if De Sade and the Phantom of the Opera had a child together), he is able to use his bent arms like a forklift under her shapely behind, pick her up with ease, and whisk her back
Fifty Shades Of Grey Quiz
Later on, we find out that instead of dating, Christian enjoys recruiting young women like Ana to serve as submissives in his high-rise home’s well-stocked hideaway, which is notoriously referred to as the Red Room of Pain. These young women are willing to submit themselves to Christian’s preferred method of discipline. But before we get to the flaw, which takes up a surprisingly small amount of the running time, let’s talk about what Taylor-Johnson and company (including screenwriter Kelly Marcel, who also wrote “Saving Mr. Banks,” also about another woman who is haunted by a troubled man) get right.
Also, you will find out which character are you in this Fifty Shades Of Grey quiz.
Not only are all of the awkwardly written source material’s gushy, inane exclamations (such as “Holy crap! “), as well as silly references to our protagonist’s Jiminy Cricket-like “inner goddess,” completely absent from this adaptation, but also: It would appear that someone realized how ridiculous the first meetings between Anastasia, an awkward college student, and Christian, an intimidating business whiz based in Seattle, and decided to inject a large amount of humor heavy on loaded double entendres along with a fair amount of tension. This seems to have been done in an effort to make the first meetings more entertaining.
When Ana steps in to conduct an interview for her college paper after her reporter roommate becomes ill, she sets off a cat-and-mouse pursuit between herself and a mysterious businessman. Soon after, he makes an appearance at the homey hardware store where she works, where he is seen suggestively purchasing cable ties and masking tape. He then shows up just in the nick of time to rescue an intoxicated Ana from an overly amorous male friend and allows her to recover in his hotel room. It doesn’t take long for her to lose her virginity, and once that happens, there’s no turning back.
The movie makes sure to include a lot of little details that might be confusing to people who aren’t familiar with them, but they’ll be really fun for people who are. A phrase that means “later, baby!” The helicopter balloon known as the “Charlie Tango.” The knitted tie that Christian uses to bind Ana’s hands for the first time, and that he later wears in public to arouse her desire for him.
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There are also other cast members, some of whom you might actually recognize, such as Marcia Gay Harden, who plays Christian’s adoptive mother, and Jennifer Ehle, who plays Ana’s mom and is best known for her role as Elizabeth Bennet in the BBC miniseries adaptation of “Pride and Prejudice.” However, this is primarily a two-person show, and the scene in which the infamous contract negotiation takes place, in which Ana agrees to Christian’s rules of submissive engagement and strikes out those that displease her, is the most entertaining moment of the whole thing.
Also, you must try to play this Fifty Shades Of Grey quiz.
But not even all of the architectural titillation that the world has to offer –
Taylor-Johnson does love a panoramic shot of phallic skyscrapers twinkling at twilight against a cloud-covered cityscape, which can compensate for a story that quickly becomes uninteresting once the primary question is “will she submit or won’t she?” Blindfolds, riding crops, and whips are used, but they do not significantly increase the tension in the situation.
As it turns out, Ana does not find the concept of corporal punishment being sexually appealing at all. But if there is anyone who suffers as a result of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” it is the audience. After the credits roll and the screen goes black, leaving a lot of questions unanswered and not much in the way of a real climax, no one can blame those who loudly groaned after realizing they have to wait for the inevitable sequel for any kind of genuine satisfaction.
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