Respond to these rapid questions in our National Champions quiz and we will tell you which National Champions character you are. Play it now.
Coach James Lazor (played by J.K. Simmons) is having a particularly bad day. His best chance to win the NCAA Championship has come after years of coming so close that he can almost taste it. He is now in position to bring home the victory. This year’s Heisman Trophy winner and All-American quarterback LeMarcus James (Stephan James) is so good that the NFL Draft is expected to pay him a whopping $35 million in cash. Additionally, Coach is married to Bailey (Kristin Chenoweth), who is intelligent, sexy, and adores him, and who makes all of his old, balding associates and colleagues jealous. He earns $5 million a year, owns multiple properties, and enjoys the admiration of both football fans and sports media, all of whom are rooting for him to finally achieve football immortality in the near future.
You might wonder why Coach Lazor is having a bad day. In the film “National Champions,” directed by Ric Roman Waugh, LeMarcus James has decided to go on strike against the NCAA and not participate in the tournament. And he’s persuasive enough to persuade a number of players from both teams to follow his lead 72 hours before the championship match. Additionally, Lazor’s penis does not function properly without the assistance of Pfizer, and his wife has left him for Elliott (Timothy Olyphant), a professor at the very same institution where he has been coaching. And now that we have your attention, I’m sure you want to know everything about Seth Bullock from “Deadwood” making sweet, sweet love to Glinda from “Wicked,” so—wait, you want to know everything about that NCAA strike? Okay, buddy, you’ve got your nickel.
To be completely honest, I was interested in learning more about James’ strategies for competing against a massive business behemoth that controversially makes billions off the backs of student-athletes. There’s a lot to talk about and argue about, which makes the plot of this film potentially interesting to watch. However, aside from presenting the audience with a slew of financial figures, screenwriter Adam Mervis’ screenplay provides little substance to James’ plan or to his justification for doing so. A contest to see which of its multi-talented cast members can utter the worst dialogue or reveal the most absurd nighttime soap opera plot twists is the focus of “National Champions,” which spends most of its time in this mode. This is similar to an episode of ESPN’s “Dynasty” that has been produced. If you thought my comment about Coach Lazor’s erectile dysfunction was unwarranted and unnecessary, you should listen to the speech in which he reveals that very detail.
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To get things started, allow me to set the scene. We’ve already gone through four or five plot twists. Public relations guru and blackmail expert extraordinaire In order to counter some of the success James has had in recruiting members for his cause, Katherine Poe (Uzo Aduba) has persuaded Lazor that he needs to speak to his team. Lazor agrees. In order to keep these impressionable minds from considering the possibility of receiving benefits such as medical insurance and money for playing, the coach must use sweet talk and positive reinforcement. He walks into the room and, after complaining about his junk being out of commission and his wife leaving him, he tells these broke-ass kids that “money isn’t a piece of shit.” There is no glory in acquiring wealth. “There is no life-altering challenge in terms of money.” Afterwards, he cries out, “but there’s glory on the field!”
National Champions Quiz
That Simmons can sell lines like these without coming across as ridiculous is a testament to his talent. Tim Blake Nelson, who plays a twang-infused sidekick named Rodger, and Uzo Aduba, who plays a ruthless mudslinger clad in the most awesome power suits this side of Joan Collins’ Alexis Carrington, assist him in this miraculous ability. In response to Emmett (Alexander Ludwig), James’ best friend and fellow strike planner, accusing her of being heartless after she threatens them with her latest piece of blackmail material, she launches into an explosive speech in which she says absolutely nothing of substance. You don’t have to pay attention to a single word Aduba says in order for it to be effective, and she goes full Viola Davis on us. Later on, Nelson gets his chance to shine in a hilarious scene involving him and a cute hotel waiter, whose intentions he flirtatiously misinterprets due to his lack of experience with women.
Also, you will find out which character are you in this National Champions quiz.
The assistant coach, played by Lil Rel Howery, has a chance to make history by becoming the first Black coach to play in a championship game if Lazor suffers a stroke or something similar. National Champions throws out details like this and then quickly dismisses them without delving into just how interesting they might be on their own merits. The entire film is structured in this manner, with carrots of importance being dangled before reverting to silly back-and-forth scenes of threats, blackmail, and one-upmanship to keep the audience entertained. You’ll need a blackboard with a lot of Xs and Os to keep track of all the petty plays that are taking place in this film. A convenient onscreen countdown to game day, intended to elicit suspense, is included on top of everything else.
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I enjoy soapy things, so I have to admit that I was a little too entertained by some of these shenanigans. Stephan James, on the other hand, is left to carry the can as a straight shooter. His concerns and demands should have been addressed in greater depth and with greater sincerity, but they were not. At the very least, he gets to recite Samuel L. Jackson’s Ezekiel 25:17 speech from the film “Pulp Fiction” for no apparent reason at all. In fact, it is the very first speech we hear in the film. At first, I thought it was just an odd use of nostalgia on the part of the author. Now I understand that it was a foreboding foreshadowing of what was to come in the next two hours.
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The film is currently showing in theaters.
For more personality quizzes check this: Anita Quiz.
